This is the biggest thing getting in the way of grit
finding the deep spring of what matters
Our family lives on twenty acres backed up against federal and state land. It’s the edge of a ponderosa forest and meadow, a favorite place for owls and mountain bluebirds who prefer the edges of the forest, places from which they observe the landscape. We watch the land from the same place, the edge of the forest, and see the seasons change, the snow blanket the fields, and then melt, the winter-killed grass begin to sprout again in spring, the dryness of summer burnishing the grass to a light gold, and then the progression through the green newness to autumn colors of golds and oranges and pinks and reds. Because we look out over this meadow, we watch the seasonality of water too: an underwater stream wells up in spring for just a season and then disappears again, visible afterward only because the aspen cluster there. It never goes away of course— it’s still there, just below.
That’s how I think of values, too, though we have to find them first, identify the places where we can live to extend our roots into the sustenance that may seem hidden, but never goes away. The problem comes when we haven’t thought to find the stream when we begin— begin anything, to love, to work, to live.
Last week I listened to the podcast episode of Michael Gervais and Angela Duckworth, and was struck in particular by one thing— something often bypassed in work on grit and resilience, even strategy— and that’s the deep hard work of values. Both Gervais and Duckworth have done that work for themselves and their families.
Duckworth discusses what has long been true— you aren’t going to get what you need from the culture right now.
Consider this (warning: this is going to be rough):
The push for technology in all parts of life (outstanding and well funded marketing)—— realizing we’re destroying our own minds
The push for tech in schools— realizing educational outcomes have been annihilated
Training kids to use tech—- realizing books and paper increase learning retention and understanding, but kids can’t do it anymore (broadly— there are always exceptions)
Testing using excerpts from literature and dumbing down what’s offered in classrooms— kids no longer read, and no longer CAN read
Making social media widely available to kids— the worst mental health crisis in young people in recorded history
With technology in particular, Duckworth discusses the need for communal action. If a school didn’t have a no-phone policy bell to bell, Duckworth says, I wouldn’t send my kid there. Gervais says his 17 year old son didn’t get IG until he was 17 and only accesses it a couple of times a week through his mom’s phone.
Make it stick
First, by identifying the value. Write it down, and commit to it. Without this, nothing else can happen.
Next, by creating the identity around it. “Duckworth’s write thank you’s,” Duckworth says. Gervais says his family uses similar language. We do the same in our family, especially in response to the “everyone is doing it” argument. “That’s not how we make decisions,” I’ll remind our kids. “Polsons don’t do (whatever the thing is), and Huffmans don’t either.” When kids push back against doing something, we’ll use the inverse: “Polsons show up. Polsons are kind. Polsons follow through.” (to be honest, sometimes this works, and sometimes this doesn’t, but I like to hope it will stay with them either way).
The self categorization theory suggests the need for grounding in identity, both personal and familial, or within the context of a group. Psychology suggests that a significant motivation for many is belonging, and so reenforcing values within the context of “what we do” connects directly to that need. There is a role for other community members here, too, affirming and reenforcing values of a school, a sports club, a social club. “On this soccer team, we support each other,” a coach might say. “At this school, we are respectful to our teachers and to each other,” an administrator might say.
But here’s the thing. The identity that comes from values has to be something that you decide on, articulate, and commit to. And it turns out that defining and committing to our own values significantly impacts our well being.
Most people— and most groups, schools, teams, institutions— haven’t done this work. That they haven’t done this work is impacted by many things, perhaps chief among them a cultural tendency toward relativism. If relativism does not honor and uphold individual values, but instead undermines the idea of values as a whole, this interferes with the expectation for each of us to do this work; after all, if there are no real values, there is no work to do. Expectedly, this would correlate to decreased well being, no matter who you are. It also flattens diversity and results in homogeneity— or apparently so, with deep springs of discontent beneath.
The Jubilee Center for Character and Virtues offers frameworks for teachers, police officers, medical professionals, businesspeople and lawyers to integrate the important work of values into their development. Bringing this into development and practice could only greatly benefit our society as a whole.
The hard work of values is the first step in our online (and in person) courses at The Grit Institute. It’s that important. We don’t approach it in the same way as many do— picking from a long list. Instead, we come to values through the deep work of story, beginning with our own. (the exercise works for individuals as well as organizations).
More next week on deep value work and a way to get started.
With love and to your grit,
Shannon
What I’m reading:
“Something Big is Happening on Campus,” by David Brooks for the Atlantic and a (partly) related supporting study by Ann Colby at Stanford about purpose in education
“Who Has the Keys to Your House,” on the “third oikos” and remaking community with Andy Crouch
The Prodigal God, by Tim Keller
What Grows in Weary Lands, by Tish Harrison Warren
Theo of Golden, by Allen Levi
Listening to:
History this week: The First Robot
UnHerd Podcast especially this episode with Dr. Iain McGilchrist on using our complete brain